party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
