the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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