I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
