Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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