Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
pop tarts are not kleenex
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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