Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
