Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
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