You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
