I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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