Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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