i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
