a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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