I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
