um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
