remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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