Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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