if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
