Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
