Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
