She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
