How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
