Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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