i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
