I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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