I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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