My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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