so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
