you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
