I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm jealous of your bromance
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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