I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
