worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
