I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Vodka?
Forever.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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