Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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