She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
