Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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