I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
