hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pants are for mortals
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
