a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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