lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
