just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
