I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
