I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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