I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
