Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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