so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
