Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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