Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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