she looked like the before picture.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
