Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
