You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
