you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
a search helicopter?!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
