don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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