Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
