I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
