Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
